Sycophant or Sympathy

Image via deerlover via Flickr

Nearly everyone that has a blog or other site receives their share of nasty comments or hurtful responses. No matter what you are writing about or how popular your site may be everyone once in a while a troll is going to pop up.

I'm not saying that everything has to be sunshine and lollipops all the time. Frankly that would be boring. And as someone who likes a healthy debate, I don't want that. Everyone has different influences and interests, which is why I come on online and read their sites. I don't always agree with what people are saying but I respect their right to do so.

What confuses me is that I don't think everyone agrees with that. That is the only way that I can understand some of the comments I've seen flying around on sites. Sure, a large part of the "you're so fat/old/stupid/vain" comments are due to jealously. Those aren't what I'm thinking about though. They're a dime a dozen.

What actually surprised me the other day were comments I saw on Mademoiselle Robot's site. She posted a pretty harmless write up of how she was wearing some new trousers. And she looked, of course, adorable. But suddenly a detractor made a point of calling her egomaniacle and over done, etc., etc. She also decided to call the whole site and, I'm assuming, her readers "superficial and sycophantic." I'm assuming this was because we were complimenting MR's style.

I didn't think this had any basis in fact at all. As on many sites, Laëtitia shares her adventures and her outfits. We like to read them because it is fun and we like her. Yes, we LIKE her. We don't worship her. We don't go out and buy everything she buys or dress just like her. We don't stalk her. We are, to a degree, friends.

I know it is hard to imagine being friends with someone you've never met in person. But I would say that many bloggers talk to their online friends everyday. I often talk to people I know from online more than I talk to some of my IRL friends. I've met some in person and some I haven't but that doesn't mean we like each other any less or that our friendships are less valid.

Any why is it "wrong" to compliment and admire another person's style and be happy for them? What does that say about the complainer? While I found the repeated returns to comment on the post a bit silly, I also found them a bit sad. I hope commenters like this have some great friends in real life. If they can afford to not have more, even if they are "just online", friends.

Personally, I can't and I like all these great writers, so I'll keep on with my "sucking up" comments!

Feeling Crushed

Lily's Smile via Flickr by Laurent Orseau

In this day and age relationships can be tricky, especially when we are talking about work-related relationships. Sexual harassment and hostile work environments are beyond bad. It's my hope that no one has to go through that, no matter their age, gender, race, religion or orientation.

But I also think some harmless mutually accepted flirting can be fun... and good for your work life.

Think about it. You spend a whole lot of time at work, hopefully with people you like and respect. You've got men and women, stress and silliness. People who have common interests and common stories. You are bound to develop a crush.

I fully admit that I fall into crushes all the time. In fact, I can't think of a job or a time that I've been at that I haven't had a crush... or two. I'm not talking desperate silent crushes. I get crushes on people that I think are cute, smart, witty, nerdy, cocky, obnoxious, you name it. And I'm not great about keeping it secret either.

I openly admire them. I make oblique flirty comments. I bat my eyes and am very happy to see them. In fact, if I work with you, I may have a crush on you RIGHT NOW!

So why is this good for work?

Well, it makes it a whole lot easier to go to the office. I look forward to spending time with these people. And I work in a pretty high stress field with lots of deadlines. A bit of flirty fun makes getting through crap much more bearable.


Crushes get you happy. There's a bounce in your step. You want to look your best and your brightest. You shimmer and shine. You feel great and you make the other person feel great too.

I fully endorse crushing.

Get on it!

This message brought to you via the fact that I got to spend lots o'time with one my my major crushes last week. Le sigh!

I am Grasshopper

I've had this post planned for a long long time. At least 6 months. And in that time the contents of what I was going to write about has changed at least three times. I'm not sure what has taken me so long to get around to it. Maybe part of it is embarrassment. The other part of it is possibly fear or reticence. I hope it is obvious to what I am referring to when I say I am a grasshopper as to why.

I'm referencing, of course, the grasshopper in the Aesop fable The Ant and the Grasshopper in which the wise ant toils and saves for lean times while the grasshopper sings its Summer away.

Yes, that is me.

I am admittedly a horrible horrible saver. Let's suffice it to say that -

When I was first going to write this post, I was thinking about the things that I spend my money on. I don't tend to judge people on what they buy (or what they don't buy, either). Because everyone spends their money on some indulgence. Some people spend it on cars or travel or concerts or comic books. Around here much of the money gets spent on the pets and on food. The pets actually get the highest priority to me. The house also received some good touches too.

And for me personally, it's obviously shoes. I like clothes okay, but get bored with them so I don't spend a lot and tend to stick to basics. I like jewelry but don't have a lot of it, not even as gifts. I'm not a purse person either. Frankly, I'm too lazy to rotate them all the time, have no where to store them and am actually more seduced by luggage than a "must have" bag. I have a few small clutches, a few decent ones and a few vintage ones. They take up a single shelf in my armoir.

But with the economy the way that it is and the nature of the advertising industry in which I work, I've been trying to cut back on my impulse buying. I've been a total recreational shopper. I would go to Target or look online or in catalogs and see things that I just had to have. I also have a nasty habit of being disgustingly acquisitive. This is not a good combination.

So I've tried to stop tempting myself. But given what I write about a lot here and what I read online and off, it's kind of hard to turn it totally off. I have just had to resort to averting my eyes. I don't go into Target. I am cancelling and not opening the catalogs. I'm deleting the "Sale!" emails unopened. Is it working? A bit but still....

The good thing is that I haven't seen a whole lot to be inspired about. I'm just feeling kind of blah about what's out there right now. And I'm finding a bit of will power to resist the things that may speak to me but that aren't perfect for me. I admit this is no easy task. I've also tried to impose a limit on myself to only shop/buy something I "need" which has helped with the impulse aspect.

The hard thing is that I used to say that I feel like the Medici - an appreciator and a sponsor. My "funding" helps the artists that I buy from to continue to be able to create their wonderful items. On some level I admit to being touch envious of that creativity and therefore covet it. But what is my identity outside of this spending?

I don't consider myself a creator, so if I stop buying what is my creative outlet here? I'm not saying I'm without skills or talents. I'm a great baker, pretty good at photography, I can put together a great color scheme and table design, I can organize a heck of a closet and I have a clear vision of how to design a room. But how often do you get to do those things? Most of my other pleasures are internal and quiet. By finding, selecting and incorporating things like amazing unique accessories I feel I am interpreting the art, making it known to the world. Like an archaeologist makes and interprets a discovery.

But now that all seems kind of silly... and risky... and a bit pompous. And it also no longer rings true with me. I'm becoming even picker. Almost frugal. Okay, maybe not totally frugal in my heart but somewhat frugal in my actions. I'm still getting some thing but then they come home, I stare at them for a few days and am deciding to take them back. I don't know if it's boredom or fear or what.

Part of it also is stemming from the aftermath of when Napoleon was killed. A lot of things that interested me before that suddenly didn't really matter that much to me at all. Life does continue but it left me a bit apathetic about what I was doing. I also ended up wanting to just spend more time at home than out running round to stores just to have something to do.

As I said, the premise of this post changed a few times so it's probably pretty rambling and yawn-inducing. Mainly it's about getting some of my thoughts down about where I am at right now with money and spending and even a bit of the malaise I've been feeling. I feel that this has come through online here too.

Part of me is also trying to find my key differentiator. More marketing talk, I know. What that is all about is what is the main thing that makes me different and unique, especially online here. I don't get specific or focus on my work too much because I like to keep that separate and on the day to day level it's kind of neutral. I don't travel all over and, while I love where I live right now, it's not a "hot spot" by any stretch. So my social life isn't crazy. I'm not saying that the things I bought (or wished to buy) defined me but they were much of what I talked about here. I have my passions but I've felt they were too specific to be interesting.

I think I need to use the time leading up to my NYC trip and during it to think more about my goals and strategies. I'd love to get any thoughts, feedback, ideas or suggestions for what you've liked or even hated.

How to be a good Host

I was reading Gala Darling's great post on how to the best houseguest and it got me to thinking about how to be a great host.

image from qoqillie via Flickr

This is actually something I think about a lot. Both sides of the equation actually, but I put more focus on the hosting aspect. My family has been involved in the high-end hospitality industry for my entire life including cruise lines, hotels, travel destinations, so I've traveled a fair amount. I've stayed in everything from 5 diamond hotels to cute bed & breakfasts and have seen great service and horrible horrible places. There are many places that stand out as perfect stays.

And they all had one thing in common... thoughtfulness.

I'm not talking about being waited on hand and foot, rather considerate touches throughout that made it clear that the person or company acting as the host had thought about my needs and how I would be living in the space while I was there.

These are the things I look for when I'm traveling and the things I try to provide for my guests:

1. Empty closet and drawer space

Hey, I know we all have a lot of stuff. Frankly, I think we have too much stuff. (Seriously, if you need a POD or a storage unit and you aren't in some kind a transition, you have too much crap... get rid of it.) At the very least you should be able to carve out a half a closet worth of space and a drawer so that when someone comes to stay they can at least hang up some of their clothes and put a few things away. This may be hard in extreme situations like studio apartments in New York City but generally try and find a little space somewhere. Even a hook over a door or closet door would help.

The same holds true for a bit of space in the bathroom, especially if you don't have 2 bathrooms - a shelf, an area on the counter - something, anything!

2. Decent sheets and pillows

I know we don't usually buy a brand new mattress when setting up a guest room. Yeah, it's usually the hand-me-down mattress from when we upgraded for ourself. But there are a few things we can do to make it seem nicer and be more comfy and plush. Get some crisp new sheets in the best thread-count you can afford and add a "feather" bed mattress topper. I like this option because it doesn't contain down or feathers so not only is it cruelty free but also hypo-allergenic.

Then have at least 2 pillows per person. I'd go new here. No one wants to sleep on your million year old squashed flat pillow. Bonus points if you have different options so people can choose which one they use. Also, have an extra blanket out or available. Your guest could get chilly in the middle of the night and have no way of knowing where to get a blanket. The poor things will be there suffering all night long because the don't want to wake you.

Another caveat - if your guest room mattress is over 20 years, please consider getting a new one. Heck, it's better to get a decent Aerobed than keeping this torture device! Plus, um... gross!

3. For the Bath

It's always nice to have a basket of new little soaps and bath gels, a shower cap and some of those things that everyone forgets, like toothbrushes, toothpaste and maybe a sewing kit. You can buy a few extras to have on hand or pick them up and save them as you travel.

I also like to have two indulgences for guests. The first are bath sheets. No skimpy towels in our house. We want to be wrapped up and covered. The second are robes. We keep two terry robes in the guest room closet, fresh, clean and ready for guests. Personally, I'd live in my robe if I could. I like to lounge around, get ready and then get dressed in my outfit. A robe is comforting and allows your guest to feel more secure when moving around your house or apartment.

4. Suitcase holder

I keep two suitcase holders tucked away until guests come. This is as much for me as it is for them. Not only can your guests get to their luggage easier but this makes sure they don't put their case, bound to be dirty from traveling, on my sheets, furniture, etc. These are easy to find in all kinds of colors, materials and price points, and they can be tucked away easily when not in use.

5. In the Bedroom

It's not just important to have a place for your guests to sleep. It's also nice to make sure the room is comfortable too. Don't have a lot of knicknacks or breakables around. It can be nerve wracking to have furniture covered with things that as a guest you are afraid to move, knock over or break. In this case, simpler and less decorated is better.

Have a table to use as a nightstand and add a small light for reading, an alarm clock and a water carafe with a glass. I also like to add in a small flashlight, a list of the cable channels (if there is a tv in the room), a pen and an alarm clock. Not everyone will use them but it's nice to know they are there.

If you have room for small table or writing desk and a chair, I'm sure your guests would appreciate it when they are putting on make-up, getting dressed and putting on their shoes. I also like to add in a mirror, either hanging on the wall near the door or above the desk. Or you can get one of those inexpensive mirrors that go on the back of the door so people can check themselves before they leave the room.

6. Extra touches

Last but not least, go the extra mile by adding some in-room snacks just in case they are starving. People can feel bad about bugging you between meals, so adding a few savory and sweet snacks can be a quick pick me up. I also like to add a travel candle and a lighter, some magazines and books as well. I also like to give the sheets a quick spritz with lavender linen spray before my guests arrive.

If you know your guests like flowers and don't have any allergies, go for a small vase or cup in an out of the way place. They don't need to be a big deal, even a single bloom is nice.

My best advice, however is the simplest... take the time to sleep where and how your guests will. Nothing makes it more apparent what works and what doesn't when you experience it for yourself. Does the sun hit your eyes at the crack of dawn? Is there weird lump right under your back? Is the light switch 2 inches out of reach? Live it and then fix it.

You don't need to have a fancy overly decorated room or spend a lot of money to outfit it. Simple but thoughtful goes a lot farther in creating a temporary haven for the people you care enough about to welcome into your home.



Extra reading:
Domino Magazine - Guest and Host Etiquette Guide

Living the Fairy Tale

This may be my favorite quote of all time. I love it so much and believe in it so completely that I painted it on a wall in my house so that I could see it every day and remember to really feel it.

Just like most little girls, I grew up on Disney's take on fairy tales. And as I got older, I still love all of the versions of the classic stories. I collected them and kept new versions like touchstones. As I matured so did the versions of the stories, from sexy to dark and mysterious. I added the Arthur legends to my mental library as well. The tales that tore at me were tales of tortured souls, struggles, ripping apart and tempestuous comings back together. And my visions of a passionate relationship were influenced and tangled up with the feelings these stories engendered.

And this isn't just me, there have been books and studies on how girls have grown up with these myths and then gone on to adult life with these unrealistic expectations of how a relationship should be, should work. How their perceptions of love and romance are skewed to the point that, when these expectations aren't met, are leading to dissatisfaction and even divorce.

And it's not just the being swept off your feet aspect that's the hardest hit by reality but it can also be the adventures and conflicts that happen before "love's first kiss" even takes place. This is when emotions run high and it has even been said that it is the intense situations themselves that create the illusion of love (but doesn't love need a bit of illusion? hmmmm...) and when that intensity is gone, the relashionship falls apart.

I'm sure you've know people who have those kinds of relationships. They fight and get back together, ad infinitum, just to get that rush.

And when you don't have a stable relationship (does that sound boring to you? think about it. it shouldn't.) then it's the minutia of every day life, like water on stone, that will wear you down. If the relationship isn't between two committed and self-aware people, then these small things are what will wear your caring away.

Now all that may sound a little judgemental and I'll admit I'm coming at this from my perspective. But one of the smartest things I ever learned (and this comes from being the child of and seeing some crappy relationships in my day) was to choose your battles. This is where the "self-aware" kicks in.

This isn't stuff your anger or irritation down. I know that is a recipe for disaster as much as it can be impossible. More it is recognizing the things that bother you and that are, in the grand scheme of things, small. Is it worth an argument about straightening the couch cushions (which doesn't seem to bother anyone but you) or is it just easier to take the 30 seconds to do it yourself.

Recognizing your moods and what causes them is also key. You may feel overwhelmed and get snappish. Then your partner becomes reactionary and defensive. It escalates and you end up in a wicked fight pulling up examples from months or years in the past. How did that happen? Be willing to apologize, break down why you reacted and be open to their response as well. They may be tired and stressed as well and have a good reason for getting cranky too. I do this a lot. If I'm hungry or just beat from work, I'm not always receptive and agreeable. The hubby and I get into "tiffs" but it usually doesn't last long, we explain what got us to that point, acknowledge it, apologize, say "I love you", hug and move on.

This is where letting the other person help comes in too. It's easy (and sometimes satisfying) to try and do it all yourself and be the martyr. But in the end it sucks. You're exhausted. Your partner feels dismissed and unvalued. They may even get angry and then everything goes sour. How they do things may be different but that doesn't mean it's wrong. Of course it helps to pick what's important but that doesn't mean you should make a point of going back and remaking the bed!

Being open-minded is also key. There may be your way, but there rarely is only one definative "right" way of doing something.

Something that seems counter-intuitive but that I think is also critical is to have a barrier. This will vary for everyone and you may have more than one. What is it? Well, for some people it's keeping separate closets or bathroom space. Some couples make sure to have distinct areas in their home or go on "friends' night out." You need to have some buffer time to not over-expose your selves to one another. Even if you live and work together and are perfect, have some things just for you. Some bit of mystery. Something you can bring back and share.

I also think it's important to have a good story. Think about those cute couple vignettes in When Harry Met Sally. It could be how you met or a funny date story. Not only will this bond you but it will remind you both of your love when you feel like you want to strangle one another. And that's going to happen! To quote a bad Alan Alda movie, love comes in waves. Sometimes you are as giddy as when you first met; sometimes you start looking at how much a single bedroom apartment costs.

But if you have a good base, which your story is a part of, you'll be better able to weather the troughs. And they will come, in life and as a couple. You shouldn't go running just because you feel like you are spiraling down. And it's almost inevitable then when you are feeling your lowest about your relationship, some one will ask how you met and you'll fall in love all over again.

And that's really what's important - to recognize what you've got. I've been married a long while. We met and got engaged very fast. We had challenging times and lived on other sides of the country for almost a year after we got engaged. But there was one thing I always kept a hold of - when I told my Dad I was getting married to some guy I had barely spent any time with and that he didn't know at all, who lived thousands of miles away, he asked me "Give me one good reason why this is a good idea".

I responded: "Dad, I could give you a thousand reasons why he's a good guy and I want to be with him, but I'll only give you one... I don't have any doubts about him."

And that was that.

It was true then and over a decade later it's still true.

And yes, I know how lucky I am.

In spite of all of this practical stuff, I still get sappy over a mushy fairy tale song:







This one is my favorite. It pretty much sums up about how my Sweetie makes me feel.



Read on:
- The Uses of Enchantment: The Meaning and Importance of Fairy Tales
- Sur La Lune Discussion Board: Value of Grimm's Fairy Tales
- Grimms' Bad Girls and Bold Boys: The Moral and Social Vision of the Tales
- White Knights, Glass Slippers and other Romantic Myths
- Why True Love isn't a Fairy Tale

Credits:
- Hans Christian Anderson quote image - here
- "Believe" ad from Disney's Yellow Shoes Creative Group (my former job!)
- We're So Fairytale - modified from here